I have dated off and on over this time as well. Nothing seems the same as it used to. Friends used to set you up with their girlfriends friends or just as casual meeting. Or just a random meeting in the hall. Now its online profiles and which photo makes me look good at this angle and at this height. Both are a pain, just in different ways. You feel like you go somewhere to be looked over like a car on a lot or browse through online like someone was picking a book off of Amazon.
When I start out speaking to someone, I find myself easy to type instead of talk. I was always nervous, I suppose I still am. You feel like its a job interview and you not even sure you want the job. I think that through the time you have to yourself that you did not with a family, So there is time to reflect. I know that people will tell you that taking time to take pity on yourself is not a good idea. I would agree. But taking time to get a better understanding of yourself. is not a bad thing at all. I don't necessarily think you have to be married to experience the emotional downfall of a relationship, but you have to have a significant amount of time invested in to know better.
I am far from a genius when it comes to relationship answers. I mean, I'm divorced already so its not like I could be writing a book on how to live a happy life in a relationship. The hardest part is the first steps I can tell you. Being honest with yourself. 9 out of 10 times, whatever ended for more reasons than just one person. The hardest part comes in 2 places. Take your share of the blame, and forgiving the other person. It isn't what it sounds like though. Its funny that there are really 3 types of people. Those know to take their own blame, those who take all the blame, and those who take none of it. Being able to know what you did right and wrong serves a better purpose. Secondly, forgive the other. Not necessarily for them, but for yourself. You can't go on to tomorrow if your feet are stuck in yesterday.
Dating. Where do you start? I talk to much. Usually when I do I succeed in doing one thing more often than not. Putting my foot in my mouth. When I am nervous, I talk more, or text more. You try to explain every little minute detail. I guess its because you don't want to say x and have it be looked at as y. You try so hard to say or to do the right thing, that you over talk your point or just simply look like a fool. I have been told at times that I spill too much of my heart out on paper. Maybe so. I know my trials and tribulations though. I think for most men, they feel they have to be able to always stand and be the rock.
Sitting at the table the other day, I noticed I had put a bag of oranges in a bowl I keep on the table. I began to think of those I have spoken to and my own journey along the way. As time goes, people will come by and take just a little piece for themselves. They may have it all, throw part away. But as time goes on and they get more picked through, some become bruised and begin to rot. Its not as simple as running to the store to get a new bag.
I have seen many people's spirit and hope dashed by failure after failure. You life becomes disappointment after disappointment. It becomes so routine you start to expect it as opposed to success. And then you finally hit a point you have trouble ever admitting to yourself. You are afraid. Afraid of hurt, afraid of loss, afraid of victory. You just become afraid. Afraid of feeling, saying too much, too little, not the right way, not the right time. I won't be able to fix it overnight. But I know coming to terms over what you are and what you are not is the hardest thing to do. And many times, the most essential thing of all. I hope that by what I say that I can help someone else. Men tend to think it isn't okay to fail or fall. I can only say that its okay to fail and fall. It ins't how many times we falter that tells us we are a man. If how many times we get back up that does.
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